And I stopped with my toothbrush hanging out of my mouth as the voice of the Holy Spirit (also known as the conscience) asked, in a wry tone: "What is wrong with you?"
"When you have children, is the most important thing really going to be keeping on track with projects?" He continued. "Or reading everything you would like to? And really, are things so different now?"
The Spirit made me turn around and look into the mirror to see my ugly selfishness. This has been a major struggle in the last few months. I became aware of my selfish streak just before graduating college. The last four years have been a veritable "me" frenzy; students are naturally disposed to focus on their studies, life decisions, etc. You have to be focused on yourself to a certain extent in order to do well in class. Otherwise you'd be running off to the slums of a major city to help the poor (as Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati did). Maybe that's the better option. For those of us who stick it out, it's a great 4+ year experience that can teach you very bad habits.
God wanted this year to be about me giving of myself in order to understand love - real love. The self-sacrificial love that is necessary in the care of children and honestly deserved by all adults. Somehow I had forgotten about that in the summer months. Being desperately unemployed probably didn't help. Somehow I slipped back into my ugly habits. I wasn't interested in how other people were doing, but desired to be filled and loved by them. I wasn't volunteering my time to help people out, but doing it to boost my resume. I wasn't engaging with the children I cared for and taught, but studying how it made me feel, whether I was called to be a teacher or a mother or whatever. In this whole vocational not-quite-crisis, I had forgotten one of the biggest Vocational requirements of all.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
I was showing way more love to myself than my neighbors. Even my dearest friends were being robbed of the love they deserve from me. On that night, with the toothpaste still in my mouth, I sat down on the toilet seat and observed that I wouldn't much like being my friend right now. Because no matter what we do in life - sister, priest, mother, father - we are to put others first, as Christ showed us on the cross. There is no excuse. We must, if we are to call ourselves Christians. Not just put others first when it's convenient, but all the time. Especially when it's not convenient. My personal goals and aspirations are nothing in the end; when I stand before the Trinity and am laid bare at the end of time, I won't be worrying about not finishing a beanbag nativity set or not reading Augustine's Confessions. I'll be thinking back on all the times in my life when I failed to show love to another soul.
This prayer has done more for me than any other, particularly when I'm struggling with selfishness and pride. If you pray it on a regular basis, I promise you will be changed.
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment